As I finalize the illustrations for my upcoming book "Peace, Love and F*cking Happiness", I've started to think about becoming a better person. Like, be a beacon for humanity, do good, achieve the heights of success, yada yada yada...
But, seriously, who am I kidding?!
I've always been an over-achiever, and I love that woo woo self-help shit.
But sometimes maybe it's better to take things down to their simplest (and easier to actually do) level.
In this case, instead of trying to be a better person, maybe I can just be a less-bad person.
I came to this conclusion because the sassy affirmations in "Peace, Love and F*cking Happiness" have taught me a few things:
1. That's I really am a hopelessly snarky bitch
2. That it's okay to re-frame my goals sometimes. Because when I fall from grace I want to fall, well, more gracefully.
3. That being 'positive' can look a lot of different ways. It could look like sitting in a cave and meditating. Or it might look like laughing my ass off at a great coloring page, and thereby not stabbing someone with my colored pencils today.
Voila: Peace on Earth.
So maybe my goals should be more about not being a loser and getting through the day with myself and those around be still intact. That's part of what life, and creating this book, has taught me at least.
Which brings me to my goal right now. Maybe I can't be a Mother Teresa, dogooder all the time, but I can focus on the basics. Instead of being good, maybe I can be less bad.
So, for today, I will try not to be a dick.
Afterall, I am a ray of f*cking sunshine.
PS - would you like to get more of the inside scoop from the upcoming book (due out in June 2017)?
Then consider joining my promotion team. I'd love to have you. And I promise I will be nice to you. Apply here. The application has all the deets and info. (And bless all of you who've already applied!)
What's that tune, is it from the Wizard of OZ? "If I only had a brain..."
Well, replace that with "If I only had a name", because f*ck me I'm having a hard time coming up with a title for my upcoming book.
Don't get me wrong, I do have a few in mind (The Attitude of F*cking Gratitude and Peace and Love, Now F*ck Off are two I'm contemplating).
But there's something about choosing a title and a cover for one of my babies - er, books - that's really hard for me to do sometimes.
This book in particular is rather near and dear to my heart.
It's gratitude for real (snarky) people. It's the self-help fail for the rest of us. Like Cheer the F*ck Up, it's affirmative with a little added piss-and-vinegar. In other words, it's for real people with good intentions that sometimes miss the mark.
I know, you've whipped out your little violin because you feel really sorry for me, right? Well, you should. There's a lot in a name. Moon Unit Zappa anyone?
So, while I'm wallowing in my misery, enjoy a couple of preview pics.
And watch for the book release this month or next.
Because I know there's no riddle a gin and tonic can't solve.
Wanna see a little more?
As mentioned before, this book is inspired by the days I try to give a sh*t, but it often turns into an epic wine infused fail.
See, I have a long history of loving self-help, personal empowerment, affirmations, all that jazz. I have been to all the Tony Robbins events (which were fabulous and I can't recommend them enough, btw).
But there's something about people and things taking themselves too seriously that just gives me the heeby jeebies and sends me into fits of giggles and sarcasm. And so this next book is born. Really, that's how all my books are born. In a bloody pool of screaming snark.
But this one has a positive spin, followed by a crash-and-burn of good intentions, that will be available for your coloring pleasure soon!
So, I gave up coffee yesterday. I know, dumb move. But it was giving me anxiety and making my heart do funny things, so you know, I thought it was best to part ways with it for a while.
But I do miss it.
You know what I won't miss though? This damn caffeine withdrawal headache!
I'm excited to be working on my next coloring book - (working title: Positively Snarky) - but this headache is being an utter bitch.
So, I think I will complain about stupid phrases that people say to deal with the pain.
Here you go, with commentary:
Ridiculously stupid phrase #1: “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
Really? So you’re telling me in one damn thunderstorm suddenly there’s no need for the ASPCA?
Ridiculously stupid phrase #2: “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”
Seriously, how rude! Last time I checked my bush was critter-free.
Ridiculously stupid phrase #3: "The proof is in the pudding."
Where's the pudding? Because suddenly I'm damn hungry. And what proof is it? 80?
Ridiculously stupid phrase #4: "She's a dead ringer."
Um, what?! Do I need to call the police on your ass?
Ridiculously stupid phrase #5: "I'm gonna bust your chops."
You better not get near my chops buddy. Those are primed and fresh for my date tonight.
Phew, I feel a little better. Stupid things we say with silly commentary. Excellent.
Now I'm ready to get back to the drawing board.
So far I have 20+ new pages ready for the book, stay tuned!
The picture you're seeing here is a snapshot of part of my desk.
Whenever I'm working on a new book I print out the pages and start laying them out. I look at them, figure out what needs to be edited, and what should be scrapped.
Trust me, there are at least as many rejects as there are illustrations that make it to the books!
I like to call the ones that don't make it the 'crap heap'.
But if you love coloring journals, fear not, I've got more in the works.
When will this book be released? I don't know yet. Likely the end of May or some time in June.
Until then, I'll keep creating it. And try to come up with a name for the book. That's kind of important. Maybe I should hold a naming contest...hmmm...what a good idea!
Anyway, let me know what you think of the pages so far in the comments.
I suddenly realized if I could turn my snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed forever.
So now I call myself a creative.
Basically, I give a sh*t in my imagination.
It’s quintessentially the day drinking job of my dreams. It’s like driving the bus one way to karma town. Hell, piss me off once and anyone can board the bus!
My swear jar has become a swear barrel, full of monkeys and other shenanigans.
So the moral of the story friends is that you can be anything you want to be, that’s how delusions work.
Now, what’s a nice girl like me doing without a drink In her hand anyway?
Surely it must be five o’clock somewhere,
So, tell me, what would you like to talk about? If you could whisper in my ear (you're so naughty!) and tell me what you want to hear me talk about, what would it be?
This sugar and snark, piss and vinegar, puppies and rainbows Mistress of Irreverence wants to know.
Man, what is wrong with me today? I’ve got a bad case of ‘woke up on the wrong side of the bed’. Blech.
So, what’s a girl to do when feeling so blue? Well, if you’re me, you put on some tunes, pour a glass of bubbly, and you get to work on your snarky gratitude coloring journal. Yep, true story. That’s what I’m doing today.